Loneliness Hurts
by AGirlWhoLovesSweets
Summary: Not everything is what it seems. Not everything is what it is. We all reach a breaking point, just how soon is that for some? A series of one-shots with the F.A.C.E family. Rated T just in case. Possible trigger warnings. No clear pairings


**I don't own Hetalia or any of the characters mentioned. They all belong to Hidekazu Himaruya. **

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It hurts.

I thought I had dried my tears up and yet they still fall. I thought I had built a wall of brick around heart in a vain attempt to save myself.

Maybe I should have used steel.

My throat hurts. It feels so dry, I think it's from all the crying I've done. Oh look, another tear falls down my cheek. How nice is that?

It hurts.

Was I not good enough? Is it because I'm quiet and shy? Is it because I don't talk? Is it because you don't notice me, no matter how hard I try? Is my voice too soft? Am I not talking loud enough?

I think I've lost my voice.

Papa? Papa where are you? Why am I alone? Why did you leave me by myself? Am I not good enough for you papa? Do I not please you papa? Papa? Why won't you answer me? Is it because you don't see me? Is it because you don't remember me? Papa? Don't you see me waving? I'm waving at you but you don't see me.

I don't think steel with cut it this time.

Al? When will you come visit me again? It's been months...do you not remember me? I'm your brother. Hey Al guess what? Someone mistook me for you...again. Maybe I should change my hair colour...then they might know that I'm not you. I'm not you. I'm not you! Al did you hear me yelling? How silly of me, of course you wouldn't. No one can hear me. Al? Where did you go? Why did you leave me? I thought you cared. I thought you were my brother. I thought...what did I think?

I think I should try a pad lock instead.

Arthur? Arthur! No I'm not Alfred. I was never Alfred...I'm Matthew, you know...your other son.

Your invisible son.

You know how you cast that spell on me when I was young. I forgive you. It's okay that you made me invisible. I don't mind anymore. Just...why won't my tears stop? I'm fine with being invisible. Perfectly fine! It's okay, don't bother trying to remember me.

I'm forgotten anyway so what's the point?

My chest hurts. Am I having a heart attack? No I can't be, I'm a country...that's invisible. It feels like I have butterflies in my stomach, but why am I nervous? Oh...it's because you're here thinking I'm Alfred, again. I'm Matthew Arthur! Matthew! Matthew...can you even hear me? Are you even listening to me? Why are you walking away?

Papa? Are you back to see me? Papa? Why are you shaking your head at me? Is it because of the scars in my wrist? I'm sorry papa. I'm sorry. Papa? Why are you yelling at me? Papa I'm fine. It was an accident, it'll never happen again. I promise.

I lied papa. I did it again.

I'll wear my big red hoodie today. It reminds me of blood. I like blood. Hahaha...I hate blood. Please help me. Somebody?

There's no one here.

I'm lonely. Papa? Al? Arthur? Where did everyone go? I'm all alone...again. I have no one. I had no one! Why doesn't anyone see me? Why can't people see me? Why don't people remember me? Why is it that I can see them but they can't see me?

The pad lock broke. I think I'll try a box now.

I see someone. I see them coming to me! Will they talk to me? What should I say? Oh no, what do I do? I haven't done this in so long. I'll say hello and smile, yes, I'll do just that. Oh he smiled! I'll smile back and greet him;

"Hello."

...and they walked past me. Again. Why do I always get my hopes up? Why do I do this to myself? No one see me so why do I bother? Why do I bother? Someone please see me! Please help me! I'm falling...it so deep now but I'm still falling.

This box is working, I just have to make sure I don't get my hopes up.

"Who are you?"

I sigh. I should get that tattooed on my body or better yet, I'll get my name tattooed on me. But what's the use...no one will see it. I'm invisible remember...

It's lonely here. I'm lonely. I want a friend, I'm happy with even just one. Just one. That's all I ask for. Please somebody grant my wish.

Anybody?

It's my birthday today. Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me...happy birthday...to...me... Today is my birthday right? It says so on the calendar. See? It's circled right there. Can't you see it? There it is. Look. There! You see it right?

No ones here again this year. Like usual. Maybe I should put my phone away and go to sleep. It's not like somebody will call me. Okay, I'm going to go and sleep now. Good night.

Oh! I hear someone calling me! Should I answer? It's Al. Maybe he remember my birthday this year? Nope. He only called to tell me abut the next meeting. He forgot...again. Why am I not surprised? I should be though shouldn't I? Right...I'm invisible remember.

Oh you do hear that? It's my phone again...and it's papa? Should I answer? Why is he calling me? I want to answer but I don't want to answer. What do I do? I'm confused. I know, I'll pick it up. Papa might have remembered my birthday today.

Why do I get my hopes up?

He only called to tell me about Arthur. Why do I even bother? I'm tried of this.

Another three marks are added to my wrists.

You know, sometimes I want myself really deep so I bled to death. But I don't like blood remember? I hate blood. It reminds me that in living.

I hate living.

The box is overfilling, I can't keep the lid closed anymore.

Somebody help me? Anybody? No one? Okay then I just stay in this corner, watching the world continue as my tears fall again. Why won't my tears stop? Why...why do I care?

I think it's time.

There's a knife in the kitchen. I have my anti-depressant pills in my bathroom. There's a cord under my bed. A gun in the living room. Rope in the garage. I'll use one of them. Maybe then I'll find peace. Peace would be nice wouldn't it? Then I don't have to worry about being forgotten. Death sounds really nice right now.

I tried but I failed.

"Who are you?"

Who am I? I'm Matthew right? I'm the personification of Canada right? Right? That is who I am right? Please answer me! I need to know! Please...why don't you hear me? Why don't you see me talking to you?

I thought you were different.

I was always told I was too trusting...look where this trusting got me. Even you can't see me. Are you even paying attention? I guess not...who would want to talk to me anyway?

I'm invisible.

You know I have a knife right next to me, my pills next to that, the cord in front of me, the gun next to that and the rope on my other side. I have so many options, so many options. I could cut or stab myself, strangle myself, hang myself or shoot myself.

But I don't.

I can't.

Why?

No one would realise it.

It hurts.

I think I'll take the pills. It won't hurt and I won't see any blood. I'll just fall asleep. Yeah, that sounds nice. I'll fall asleep and never wake up.

It's perfect isn't it?

The perfect way to die.

One pill.

Two pills.

Three pills.

Four pills.

Five pills.

Six pills.

Seven pills.

Eight pills.

Nine pills.

Ten pills.

They're in my hands, all ten of them. Should I bring some water? Hold on for one moment, I'll bring some water. Just give me a second.

Okay! I'm here with some water. I sit down in front of the objects and smile sadly. Why am I crying again? I drop the pills and they scatter.

Why can't I do this?

I want to die.

I don't want to live.

Please? Can you help me? I want to die. Please kill me. I want to die. I don't want to be invisible anymore.

One pill.

Two pills.

Three pills.

Four pills.

Five pills.

Six pills.

Seven pills.

Eight pills.

Nine pills.

Ten pills.

I've picked them all up. I'll swallow them now. Where's my water? Oh there it is. I'll drink some water now. I've swallowed them. All ten. Maybe it'll work.

An hour passes and nothing has happened. Why did it work? It's works on human so it should work on me right? Why is it not working? I'm supposed to die right now. I'm supposed to feel numb. I should stop breathing now and everything should be going dark.

It's not though and I don't know why. Why did it not work? Oh...I think I forgot a minor detail.

I'm a nation and nations can't commit suicide.

I'm Matthew Williams, the personification of Canada and I want to die.

So much that it hurts.

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**A/N: This is my first hetalia fic so I hope you enjoyed it! I personally love Canada because he reminds me of myself, soft spoken, quiet and sometimes easily forgotten. This pieces hit close to home. **

**If you liked it, please leave me some feedback. I would greatly appreciate it and i****f you have any requests please let me know. **

**Enjoy the rest of your day/night!**


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